Again and again, research has found that the key to a happy and successful life is to create deep relationships.

 研究一次次发现，生活成功和幸福的关键是建立深厚的人际关系。

 This requires good communication skills. Unfortunately, many of us aren’t good at it. Our default is always to ask,“How are you?”

 这就少不了良好的沟通技能。遗憾的是，许多人并不擅长沟通。我们默认的沟通方式往往就是问对方“How are you?（怎么样？）”

These three words, while well-intentioned, only lead to meaningless conversations.

How are you（怎么样）？这三个字虽然出发点是好的，但却只会使谈话浮于表面。

To get a genuine response and go beyond small talk, ask these eight questions instead:

要想使对方发自内心地回答并且不再局限于寒暄，请用这八个问题替代How are you：

Small talk：寒暄、闲谈

 “How are you, really?”

说真的，你怎么样？

You can easily transform conversations by adding one simple word: “really.” It indicates that you want to go beyond the pleasantries.

只需加一个词 “really”,这场谈话就会发生质的转变。这句话意味着你不是只想客套一下。

Pleasantries：客套

“How are you doing right now?”

你现在（感觉）怎么样？

Another way to modify “How are you?” is to narrow the question’s focus to the present moment.

另一个方法就是把问题集中于当下。

Use this when you want to connect with someone who is navigating major or prolonged challenges, such as loss, illness, unemployment, or a breakup.

当你希望与某个正在经历重大挫折或陷入困境（比如经历失去、疾病、失业或分手）的人进行交流时，你可以这么问。

“What’s been on your mind lately?”

你最近在想什么？

Some people find it easier to share thoughts than to share feelings. And often, what they tell you about their thoughts will also give you insight into their feelings.

对于有些人而言，分享自己的想法要比分享自己的感受更容易。往往当他们向你倾诉自己的想法时，你也可以据此了解到他们的感受和情绪。

As you listen, offer support and validation with phrases like “That sounds like a tough situation” or “How did that make you feel?”

当你聆听时，可以通过这些表述来表达支持并进行确认，这些表达包括“这个事听上去确实很棘手”或者“你对这件事是什么感受？”

“If you were being completely honest with me, how would you describe your feelings lately?”

“说真的，你最近情绪怎么样？”

The first part of this question is powerful. You’re giving someone explicit permission to share how they’re feeling, and doing it in a way that makes them feel safe.

这个问题的前半部分充满力量。你给对方发出明确的信号，表示愿意倾听对方的感受。你的提问方式也让对方产生安全感。

You can change the second part of the question to ask about more specific topics, too. With a coworker, for example: “If you were being completely honest with me, how do you think this project is going so far?”

你也可以把这个问题的后半句变成更加具体的问题。比如，对于同事，你可以这么问：“说真的，你认为这个项目目前进展如何？”

Or with your partner: “If you were being completely honest with me, what is one thing you’d like me to do differently in our relationship?”

或者对于你的另一半，你可以问：“说真的，咱们俩之间你希望我在哪个方面有所改变？”

“What’s feeling good, and what’s feeling hard?”

“可以和我谈谈那些让你开心和难受的事儿吗？”

The problem with “How are you?” is that it encourages one-note answers: “I’m good,” “I’m fine,” or “I’m doing okay, thanks!”

“How are you?”这种问法往往期待的回答都是一句话，比如“还可以”，“还不错”，或者“还行，谢谢！”

But that’s not how humans experience life. We have more than one feeling at a time. We evaluate situations from different perspectives. We see what’s positive and what’s challenging at the same time.

但是，人们对生活的感受并非如此。我们某一时刻的感受并非是单一的。我们会从不同的角度来评估形势。我们会在同一时刻发现积极的一面和棘手的一面。

 “What word would you use to describe your life right now?”

“你会用哪些词语来描述你此刻的生活？”

Sometimes, distilling your experiences into a single word can spark deep insights. When you ask this question, you’re giving someone a new way to understand their what they are going through.

有时，用某个词来形容你的经历可以激发人深入思考。当你这样提问时，你会让对方从一个新的视角来了解他们所正在经历的一切。

Once they share their word, use follow-up questions to learn more, like “What made you choose this word?” or “What else do you associate this word with?”

当他们说出某个词时，通过追问来了解更多的信息，比如“你为什么会选择这个词？”或者“这个词还会让你联想到什么？”

 “The last time we talked, you were dealing with [X problem]. How has that been lately?”

“我们上次谈话时，你当时正在处理（某个问题）。现在处理的怎么样了？”

By following up on something that a person mentioned in the past, you’re telling them: “I see you, and you matter to me.”

通过继续提到对方上次提到的问题，你向对方表达的是：“我关心你而且你对我很重要。”

You could ask about:

你询问的可能是：

·An unexpected problem in their life

·他们生活中突然出现的某个问题

·A transition they were navigating

·他们正在经历的某个转变

·A challenging goal they were pursuing

·他们正在追寻的某个极具挑战的目标

·A relationship issue with a partner, family member, friend, manager or colleague

·与伴侣、家庭成员、朋友、上司或同事之间的问题

 “What question do you wish someone would ask you right now?”

“你希望对方此刻问你什么问题？”

The person you’re talking to might be yearning to say something, but not know how to broach the topic. When you ask them to pick their question, you’re giving them the space to talk about what’s really going on.

你的谈话对象也许渴望说些什么，但是又不知从何说起。当你让他们选择问题时，你其实就是允许他们讨论目前的经历。

Broach：开始谈论，引入（尤指令人尴尬或有异议的话题）

Once they’ve share the question they’d like to be asked, your only job is to repeat it back, and then give them your full attention.

当他们告诉你希望被问到的问题时，你唯一需要做的就是重复这个问题，然后百分百关注对方。

来源：CNBC

编辑：译锐君