"How was school?" and "How was your day?" aren't the best questions to ask children after a day at school, according to psychologists.

在心理学家看来，“今天在学校过得如何？”，“今天过得怎么样？”，这些并非是孩子放学后最适合问的问题。

"'How was your day?' could mean 100 things," Dr. Linda Papadopoulos, a psychologist, author and broadcaster, told CNBC by phone.

心理学家、作者以及节目主持人Linda Papadopoulos博士在与CNBC通电话时表示：“你今天过得怎么样？”这个问题可能指100种情况。

"Those very wide questions are often going to be met with 'yeah, it was fine'," she said.

她表示：“这类宽泛的问题往往得到的回答是‘嗯，还行’”。

They would've been asked questions all day and might still be in a "performance" mindset, she said.

孩子们可能一整天都会被问问题，所以放学之后可能还会有一种“课堂表演”的心态，她表示。

"Most adults want to switch off after work and let go of their day — children are the same," child psychologist Dr. Martha Deiros Collado said in an email to CNBC. "Their mind needs a break and often their main focus is on food, fun, play, and rest," she added.

儿童心理学家Martha Deiros Collado在给CNBC的电子邮件中写道：“大多数成人在结束一天的工作后都希望放空一下-孩子们也一样。他们的大脑需要休息，而此时他们的注意力往往会放在食物、娱乐、玩耍和休息上，”她补充表示。

Let go of one’s day：放纵、放松、放空

Why it’s such a common question

为什么家长们普遍都会问“你今天过得怎么样？”

“Children will spend more time at school than with their parents during the week and so asking this question often comes from a place of curiosity,” according to Deiros Collado, author of the forthcoming book, “How to be The Grown-Up: Why Good Parenting Starts with You.”

“在一周中，孩子们在学校的时间要比和家长在一起的时间还要长，所以家长们出于好奇通常都会这样问自己的孩子，”Deiros Collado，《如何做一名成年人：为什么良好的养育从你开始》（即将出版）的作者介绍到。

“Parents often forget that when they were asked the same question as children they would also grunt ‘fine’ or roll their eyes in boredom,” she said.

她表示：“父母们往往忘记了当自己在孩提时代被问到同样的问题时，也会嘟哝着说一句‘还行’或无聊地翻个白眼。”

Be aware that asking “How was school?” every day can become a “lazy habit,” Deiros Collado said. Remember that doing this is “not bringing new information or connection between you and your child,” she added.

Derios Collado说，你要意识到，每天都问“今天在学校过的怎么样？”会变成一个“懒习惯”。你需要记住的是，每天都这样问自己的孩子不会“给你带来新的信息，也不会让你和孩子之间联系更紧密。”

What to say right after school

放学之后该说些什么

Be patient and wait until your child is ready to talk, Deiros Collado said.

Deiros Collado说，要保持耐心，等到孩子愿意聊的时候再说。

“In the moment, focus on how it feels to see your child again at the end of your day, for example by saying: ‘I am so glad to see you.’ ... Notice whether your child is coming out of school loaded with emotion and withdrawn, or all smiles and giggly,” she added.

“一天结束时，主要说说自己再次看到孩子时的感觉，比如你可以说：‘见到你真开心。’……留意孩子从学校出来时的状态，是闷闷不乐、沉默寡言，还是眉开眼笑，”她补充表示。

withdrawn：沉默寡言、孤僻、不合群

Try to “name” their emotion when you see it. For example, you could say ”‘You look so happy! Something fun must have happened today.’ See whether this helps your child open up ... Neuroscientific evidence shows that naming an emotion can help bring calm to the body. Only when kids are calm and their basic needs are met can they hold a meaningful conversation,” Deiros Collado said.

当你有所觉察时，试着“说出“孩子的情绪状态。比如，你可以说‘你看上去真开心！今天肯定有什么好玩的事。’”然后观察这些话能否打开孩子的话匣子……神经科学方面的证据表明，指出某种情绪状态有助于让身体恢复平静。只有当孩子内心平静且基本的需求得到满足时，他们才会进行有意义的谈话，”Deiros Collado表示。

When to talk to your child

什么时候和孩子聊天合适

“Timing is everything,” according to Papadopoulos. Rather than asking them about their day as soon as they get in the car when you collect them, wait until they’re in a calmer mood.

“时机很重要，”Papadopoulos表示。不要一等孩子坐进车里就开始问他们今天过得怎么样，而是应该等到孩子的心情更加平静时再问。

“Before bedtime is a lovely one, kids are more relaxed. Sometimes that need to wind down before bed is a great chance to talk, especially if you’re lying next to them … [instead of] doing that face-to-face thing that often feels confrontational,” she said.

“睡前聊天是个不错的选择。这时，孩子会更加放松。睡前放松的时候也是一个聊天的好时机，特别是你挨着孩子躺下时……【而不是】面对面聊天，这样往往会让人产生一种对抗感。”

With younger children, engaging in an activity might be a way to start a conversation.

对于年龄更小的孩子，进行一项活动可能是开始聊天的一种方法。

“Take out some plasticine, or a coloring book or a puzzle, and then [say] ‘remind me … you were saying the other day that being in year 2 is really different. Is it?’” Chatting in this way feels “less like an interview,” Papadopoulos said.

“拿出一些橡皮泥，或彩色绘本或拼图，然后【说】‘我突然想起来……你前几天说，进入2年级后感觉完全不一样了。是这样吗？’这样的聊天方式就不会让孩子感觉像是在面试，”Papadopoulos表示。

Questions to ask instead

应该怎么问孩子？

“If what you want is to hear about your child’s day and connect with them, it needs to begin with you,” Deiros Collado said. “Model what it sounds like to talk about your day,” she added.

“如果你想要听孩子聊聊他/她这一天过得如何并和孩子建立联系，你需要先从自己开始，”Deiros Collado表示。“你可以亲自示范一下和孩子聊聊自己的一天，”她补充表示。

Papadopoulos also recommended that approach. You could say: ”‘I missed you today. When I went to work, it was really funny, someone brought in a cake and it was my favorite flavor’ … This idea of sharing is often critical in helping them open up as well,” she said.

Papadopoulos也建议了一种方法。你可以说：“我今天很想你。我今天去上班的时候，有人带来一个蛋糕，正好是我喜欢的口味，今天真有意思‘……分享自己的一天往往有助于让孩子也乐于分享他们的一天。”

Avoid starting questions with “did,” which will elicit a “yes” or “no” answer, or “why,” which can get an “I don’t know,” she said.

避免一开始就问“Did”开头的问题？对于这样的问题，孩子只会回答“是的”或者“没有”，也不要问“Why”开头的问题，因为孩子可能会回答“我不知道。”

“What” is a much better way to begin, Deiros Collado said. For example:

“What”开头的问题会更好，Deiros Collado表示。比如：

• “What made you laugh today?”

• 今天是什么让你笑了？

• “What was your favorite thing that happened today?”

• “你最喜欢今天发生的哪件事？”

• “What did you enjoy most about playtime or lunch today?”

• “玩耍或午餐时，最让你开心的是什么？”

• “What did [a teacher or friend] say today?”

• “老师或朋友今天说了些什么？”

It’s also important to talk about emotions, as they can “show you a different side of your child’s day,” Deiros Collado said.

谈论情绪也很重要，因为这些回答可以让你了解到孩子今天在学校的另外一面，Deiros Collado说。

For example, you can ask:

比如，你可以这样问：

• “Were you feeling sad today? What happened to make you feel better?”

• “你今天感到难过吗？什么事情又让你感觉心情好些了？”

• “What was something that was difficult for you, but you did it anyway?”

• “什么事情让你感觉很棘手，但最终也完成了？”

• “Was there a time that you felt lonely? And what did you do about it?”

• “今天你有过感到孤独的时刻吗？你是怎么应对的呢？”
  

这些具体的问题都有助于你了解孩子在学校里的状态并使你与孩子之间建立更紧密的联系。

原文来源：美国消费者新闻与商业频道

编辑：译锐君